In an unprecedented move the Obama White House has decided to become even more transparent than previously. Long considered by President Obama to be the most open administration ever he has now taken steps to be even more accessible to the White House Press Corps. Press Secretary Jay Carney announced the following measures late Friday night:
- Press photographers will still not be allowed into most events to take photographs, but the White House Ministry of Communication will make additional photographs available upon written request and seven day’s notice unless “executive privilege” applies.
- Camera lenses longer than six inches are now prohibited within 100 yards of the First Family. The official White House photographer will provide all of the photographs that you need.
- The Secret Service reserves the right to “borrow” and inspect any recording equipment within 200 yards of the First Family. Images of the First Family ™ are expressly owned by the family and their unlicensed use is prohibited.
- The sixth Wednesday of each month the President will be available for a no-holds-bared news conference. There will no longer be “press conferences” so the President can present the important items of his agenda to the American People. Correspondents who ask too many questions will be asked to begin sitting in the back of the press room so that other, less known agencies can ask questions. Questions regarding whether the President likes red or green chili sauce are prohibited…sorry “preferred.”
- Once a news story is more than five days old no more questions will be allowed unless a waiver is granted by the Ministry of Communication.
- The terms “golfing,” “vacations,” “TEA Party,” or “Ted Cruz” may not be used in any White House News story. The term “Benghazi” was removed from the list as that mythical location no longer exists.
- Any occasion where credentialed White House correspondents get a new phone or phone number the NSA MUST be notified immediately and MUST have possession of said phone for 24 hours. Okay we are just kidding there as the NSA already gets that from Verizon.
- The White House Ministry of Communication will continue to provide pre-written news articles for the news services. Unstaged photographs will also continue to be made available to news agencies.
- Since Fox News is now designated as an “Opinion Outlet” the credentials of their commentary staff have been revoked.
- The White House Ministry of Diversity will no longer stage Mr. Obama in front of willing groups of idiots while campaigning for his agenda. It has become increasingly difficult to find citizens who can stay awake let alone stand up to any scrutiny. From here forward Mr. Obama will be flanked by Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Joe Biden, and Al Franken.
- Michelle Obama will no longer be available for candid shots until surgeons can find a way to remove the scowl from her face.
The White House stated that “it is pleased to provide this additional, unprecedented access to the President.” Mr. Obama, of course, is always available for “selfie” photographs with any blonde female or celebrity other than country music performers.