I have finally seen the light of progressivism in action. I have unnecessarily avoided the simplicity of their arguments all of these years. The solution to our many problems is simple…outlaw it. You don’t like when mentally ill people kill with guns, simply outlaw guns. You don’t like evil bankers taking advantage of poor folks, pass a law. You want everyone to have “free” healthcare, pass a law. You want to reward illegal aliens (you know those poor folks who snuck into our country illegally) pass a law and they’ll stop coming. You want to stop folks from drinking large sodas, pass a law. In the words of Silas Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, Hey! Hey I am on board.
I propose several laws to make life better for all that the U.S. Congress should take up immediately. These will be broadly accepted by a vast majority of Americans;
- Halyomorpha halys Non-Proliferation Act – yes let us pass a law restricting the reproduction and spread of the brown marmorated stink bug. Who doesn’t hate these buggers?
- Lawn Grass Encroachment Act – It is only mid-May and I am already tired of mowing my lawn. Congress should pass a law on grass restricting how fast it is allowed to grow.
- Rush Hour Traffic Reduction Act – who wouldn’t want a reduction in rush hour traffic? Just pass a law and snap it’s gone.
- Truth In Burgertising Act – Okay so this may just be my pet peeve, but the burgers you are served in the restaurant should bear at least some resemblance to the ones in the commercials and on the billboards and in the restaurant windows. Aren’t we all tired of smooshed down burgers?
- Politician Remembrance Act – politicians lie and they lie about their lies and then deny that they lied. Rather than accept this premise let’s pass the Politician Remembrance Act where if they are caught (in writing or in a video) telling a lie they not only have to immediately leave office, but they have to return any compensation received between the lies…and maybe thrown in jail. They never seem to remember that they are constantly recorded.
- Super Loud Commercial Act – who doesn’t commercials in general, but when they come on several dozen decibels higher than the normal programing that should be against the law. Wait I believe that was already against the law. See how well this stuff works.
- Repetitive Commercial Act – Many commercials are cute the first, second and maybe even third time they are aired. I propose to limit the number of times commercials are played overall, during one evening, and during any one show. There may be exemptions if a sufficient number of American votes are cast releasing a commercial from the requirements. Some, however, may only be shown once…and I nominate the Victoria’s Secret ones. I am heterosexual, but I am creeped out by prepubescent models running around in their underwear. And what is with the wings? Weird!
- SAG Actors Commercial Act – by “SAG” I mean sag as in old actors/celebrities. Just because you were once famous we don’t care about your weight loss, wrinkle removal, erectile dysfunction, or where you invest your money.
- Mall Shopping Expiration Act – This will limit the amount of time allotted for shopping in any mall, strip mall, outlet mall, or store to one hour as long as a heterosexual male is in attendance. There is no exemption for a male to opt out because a willingness to opt out means he is whipped and needs to be saved. There is also a provision regarding the interval between visits to other shopping outlets also known as a shopping trip.
- Speech Quality Length Act – This is not as simple, but basically the length of time allotted for you to speak is proportional to the quality of your delivery. So if you suck you may only speak for 60 seconds. The devil is in the details and we’ll have to make penalties for speech without content or what I call the Barrack Obama provision.$$
- Economic Idiocy Act – So when some citizen makes a statement that goes against all laws of economics then they are immediately fined $250.00…cash on the spot. When a person comes home from the mall with arms full of bags only to exclaim that they saved a ton of money…that will be $250! When someone drives 10 miles to save a penny per gallon of gas…that will be $250. When some president says we need to spend trillions of borrowed dollars to boost the economy…that will be $16 trillion! The first two will soon learn…the fourth not so far.
Whew that was easy. Perhaps one more…
- Liberal Progressive Truth To Power Act – simply put liberal/progressives must tell the truth for a change to the low-information voter AKA their base.
So when someone exclaims “there ought to be a law” you should shout “you’re damned right.”