Besides my hypochondria, I have learned a great deal about the world from my view from the couch. 

First there is daytime television.  I did NOT watch one episode of Oprah, Ellen (although I find her funny), or any other talk shows.  I also was proud that neither soap operas, nor game shows took up any of my time.  Being sick with hundreds of television channels is a blessing.  This is especially true in the middle of the night when a cough and congestion makes sleeping impossible. 

I think that I learned more about day time television from the commercials.  I categorize the commercials “Lawyers, Drugs, and Money.” 

First come the lawyers and their commercials.  I am not a fan of lawyers; not all are bad, just most of them.  The ones that advertise on cable television seem particularly creepy to me.  I should feel good that there are so many lawyers willing to “get money for me.”  If I was injured riding a motorcycle, they’ll get money for me.  If I am on Workman’s Comp, they’ll get money for me.  If I spill coffee on myself, they’ll get money for me.  If I cannot get something that I think that I should get, they’ll get money for me.  The guys (and they all seem to be guys) are just the greatest.  All that you have to do is call (and it is toll-free) to talk to someone at the firm to evaluate their case.  The most famous local attorney (with at least four offices) promises that “You don’t have to pay unless we get money for YOU!”

Here come the drugs and drug advertisements.  If you watch television regardless of the time of day, you are treated to commercials about drugs.  Day time and late night television seemed back to back drug ads.  I know that if I am depressed, incontinent, have trouble breathing, depressed, have trouble getting an erection, have a small bladder, have a large bladder, have varicose veins, have aches and pains, have sore joints, have thinning hair, have no hair, have a smaller thing (men only), have heartburn, have gas, macular degeneration, need longer and fuller eyelashes…there is help!  I should discuss their medicine with my doctor “to see if it is right for me.”   Some of the ones developed to help men with sexual performance are available for a free trial for only the cost of a postage stamp.

If you want to be scared to death about how much these drugs will help you, listen carefully to the possible side affects that they are required to list during the commercial.  These are usually listed by a man with a deep comforting voice spoken quickly near the end of the commercial.  Common side affects include, nausea, vomiting, constipation, blindness (in very few instances), bleeding, diarrhea, erections that last more than four hours, blurred vision (a four hour erection may do that), muscle soreness, death (in very few instances), darkening of the skin, lightening of the skin, loss of skin (that’s made up), stroke, muscle weakness…but if you experience any of these symptoms, you should consult your doctor immediately.

The last category is money.  People who watch are targeted as either in incredible credit card debt or have so much extra money laying around that they should buy gold.  I own some gold as part of my portfolio (OK I admit my gold is in the form of a gold coin from my Aunt Lucy and my high school ring).  I have noticed a marked increase in advertising in gold investing since President Obama took office.  The gold merchants have attracted some heavy hitters to pitch the shiney stuff.  The pitchmen run the gammut from ultra liberal Sam Waterston (Law and Order fame) to ultra conservative G. Gordon Liddy.  Other notables are Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, and Fred Thomson (Sam Waterston’s former boss on Law and Order).  Gold would be a great hedge as long as the federal government does not decide to conficate it again like FDR did.  Doesn’t our current president liken himself as the new FDR?

You will be glad to learn that I have resisted contacting any lawyers.  I just cannot figure out who exposed me to the flu.  When I do, I may just get a lawyer.  I deserve something for my suffering.  I have also resisted bothering my doctor to see if any of those drugs are right for me.  Although it was tough not to be swayed by smilin’ Bob.  Lastly, the crappy economy has made the decision for me not to invest in gold.  I could not even bring myself to call for a free CD and brochure to learn about investing in gold.

I also learned some other things while sick:

• I Dream of Jeannie’s Barbara Eden was hot
• Bewitched’s Elizabeth Montgomery may have been the cutest female on TV…ever.
• There are veterinarians who suffer from animal allergies.  One has to ask if they knew of this condition BEFORE choosing that profession.  Not to worry, Claretin will help.  A career change would help also.
• I can no longer remember what sick people did before 24 hour television.
• I can lose two waist sizes in two weeks simply by wearing this cool belt that “stimulates” my muscles.
• Red umbrellas seem to have magical powers to protect anything and if there is a man in a hat, they can be used as a method of transportation.
• The irritating lady that advertises for Progressive Insurance appears at least a gazillion times a day.  She does not get less annoying as you take large doses of medicine.
• Geico ”pitchmen” are not as irritating, but I like the cavemen best then the lizard and really do not like the stack of money with eyes.
• The IRS will pursue you, but there are many firms that hire former IRS agents who are willing to help me.  Sounds like a racket.  Let’s get rid of them all and institute the Fair Tax.
• I can have a certain part of me become larger with a pill (that is different from having all of me become bigger with a donut).  I can get this for the price of a postage stamp.  I mentioned this earlier in the post, but the kicker is now that this is available for women.  How cool is that.
• Pat Sajak and Vanna White got old.  She still looks pretty good.
• QVC offers some great deals.  I only ordered one thing (a pressure cooker cook book) and used it yesterday.  I do not feel less manly having watched it, but tend to quickly switch channels when one of my kids enters the room.
• If you play your cards right, you can usually double the amount of any paid advertising product for only the additional cost of postage and handling.
• Very few products advertised on television cost more than $19.99 (plus shipping and handling).

All in all, being sick is like having fish or visitors…after a few days they begin to stink.

Hypochondria is defined as:

“abnormal anxiety over one’s health, often with imaginary illnesses and severe melancholy.”

…or a more serious definition:

“A psychiatric disorder characterized by the conviction that one is ill or soon to become ill, often accompanied by physical symptoms, when illness is neither present nor likely.”

How about a quote?

“The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else’s.”

Goodman Ace

Can you use it in a sentence?

As I sit here suffering from the H1N1 flu and surrounded by used tissues watching daytime television I truly understand the beginning pangs of hypochondria.

Example 1:  My wife and I were visiting our daughter at her college this weekend.  It take around 4 hours to get there and we got an early start on Friday, but I was pretty tired.  I punked out on my wife in the evening and went back to the hotel.  Saturday was a blah day, but we spent some nice time with our child (when she finally awakened).  Saturday night was bad, very bad. 

I drifted between sleep and semi-consciousness only to find myself wracked by severe chills.  I have never had chills that violent in my life.  Every inch of my body seemed to shake independently as I searched for warmth.  I was so desperate, I used the bed cover from the hotel even though you’re not supposed to touch them because of the “fluids” that some news magazine found on them.  Eventually I reached a delicate equilibrium that was easily shattered by my slightest movement. 

Then came the heat.  Searing heat.  We were not at home, so I have no way of documenting my temperature, but I am guessing that it was at least 120 degrees Fahrenheit (yes I know that is impossible, but I don’t fish and have to lie my own way).   I seemed to bake for hours, but I figured that my body was fighting off the enemy and the battle would soon subside.  I chanced a glance at the clock and it was only just after one AM.  Since I went to bed after eleven, my torment had only lasted two hours!

That is when the first pangs of HYPOCHONDRIA crept in.

Example 2:  Same illness, next day and we checked out of the hotel and drove to say goodbye to our daughter.  I stayed away but limply waved from inside the car.  I felt like bubble boy except in reverse.

At work, we recently had to complete an on-line learning module on the expected flu season.  My wife and I were pretty sure that I had the flu and she diagnosed H1N1.  I stayed away from the rest of my family and settled in the basement.

Sleep was illusive so I watched a great deal of television.  Not just daytime television, but late night stuff where very unusual exercise machine and kitchen gadgets are sold.  If you believe me within the next 30 minutes, I’ll send you double the product (separate S&H apply).  I felt somewhat better on Monday now that the fever had subsided and figured that I was on the mend.

That is until I watched the news! 

To say there is hype about the H1N1 virus is putting it mildly.  I faced news story about deaths, lack of vaccines and warnings of pandemics to come.  It was the deaths that got to me.  I am not quite ready to die as I hope to be around to see my children have children and deal with thier children.

One that struck me in particular was the death of a local high school student.  Officials had not confirmed why she died, but the news readers had it pegged as H1N1.  No facts, just hype.  While I had not slept much over the past few days, sleep on Monday night was impossible.  With every new muscle tweak or cough, that hypochondria effect crept in.  Missing a decent nights’ sleep since Thursday, I could still rationalize that I was not dying or even in serious condition, but there was always that sleep-deprived doubt.

Example 3:  As I heard my family awaken on Tuesday to get ready for school and work, my abdomen hurt from coughing.  I definitely had a raspy sound when I took a deep breath.  I actually did the right thing and went to my doctor.  We discussed the hype surrounding H1N1 and he confirmed that he believed that is what I had.  He is a calming influence and prescribed some medications to help my cough and ensure that my illness would not get worse. 

My hypochondria has subsided and my wife has just returned with my prescriptions.  I am off to health and hopefully sleep!