Framing the Dialogue

Fat, Drunk, and Stupid

The actual quote from Animal House’s Dean Vernon Wormer is; “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”  The inspiration for this post was the unusual “couple” that staked an area of lawn near my wife and I when we recently attended a John Mayer/Train concert.  I put couple in quotes as they were actually a trio that as near as we could surmise was a mother, daughter and the daughter’s beau.

 This was my first lawn concert (the regular seating was a little pricey) and frankly I don’t like crowds.  My wife and I staked out our area fairly early so we had a pretty nice location.  As the sun started to set and the music started the odd couple descended and sat on the small open grass strip between us and the surrounding blankets.  It took us around 30 seconds to realize that these folks had a few drinks before they entered the venue.

None of them were fat so I should replace fat with smoking as all three chain smoked throughout the concert.  It is surprising how much my clothes smelled like cigarette smoke when I got home.  We were outdoors, but the wind was not kind and wafted the odor our way.  It is also very interesting to have drunk people with little flames stagger-dancing near you.  My wife had to interrupt their celebration to let them know that their sparks were in fact landing on us and our blankets.  They were understanding and compliant drunks, but it was still irritating.  The women were both going barefoot and I began to secretly hope that they would step on one of their burning embers.  It’s to hell for my unpure thoughts.

Between acts the two young folks hit the concession stand and rather than food for their alcohol-filled abdomens they purchased margarittas in large guitar-shaped containers.  The frozen treats cost a whopping fourteen dollars each and they bought Mom one too.  Yeah…more alcohol maybe the dancing would improve.  I didn’t mention that they stood and danced pretty much the whole time though dancing maybe too kind of a description of what they did.  Imagine uncoordinated (or just drunk) folks shaking their booty holding a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  The cigarette was often held aloft like Lady Liberty holding her torch.

Our three children all attended the concert too and a phenomena that we notice is that even though we bought the tickets they feel comfortable not sitting with us.  The older they get the further away they want to sit and now the older two don’t even drive with us.  Even our youngest and her friend set up shop away from us.  This happened to work out as the younger two of the couple’s dance moves morphed into a quasi pole dance.  The unusual part was that the male used the female as the pole.  They thankfully kept clothed, but it was very creepy. 

At some point Mom walked off to what I assumed was a potty break.  You know you only really borrow the alcohol.  But she came back with a round of beer.  This venue sells what looked like double cans though they probably were twenty ounces.  More drunk for the stupid.  The beer seemed to do Mom in and she sat for a while until one of her favorite songs started.  It probably took her ninety seconds to struggle to her feet.  I would like to say her beer stayed in the can, but the drops rolling off of her elbow betrayed her.  We counted our blessings that we weren’t downstream from the “couple.”

As the concert wound up with the requisite/fake encore (I believe that when a band plans the encore to feature one of their hit songs it is fake).  I may sound old, but I remember when (really an old person phrase if there ever was one) fans screamed their heads off until the band came back.  I saw Springsteen once and he must have done seven encores…real encores  It was awesome.

I started to wonder which of the three members of the couple were going to get behind the wheel of the car.  The lone male seemed to be the least drunk, but I figured that he was probably so horny he would still be severely impaired by his blue you know whats.  My answer came ten minutes later when we reached the parking lot.  The extremely long line of cars trying to exit was sobering.  I doubt that the smoked, drunk, and stupid crew could have gotten out before they had at least 30 minutes of sober time unless they had some left in their car.  I never saw them again, but warned my two children to drive carefully due to the number of drunks.

PS  I did enjoy the concert though not the show.

3 CommentsLeave one

  1. Kevin says:

    Sounds like you did more people watching than John Mayer watching. This concert wasn’t nearly as good as his last tour. Maybe this next album won’t be filled with so many Jennifer Anniston references.

  2. Greg says:

    I always watch people. I did enjoy his music probably more than a lot of his fans who seemed confused when he was jamming. I think he could have lip-synced his radio hits and they would have been happy. This sounds like an old man, but it would have been more enjoyable if everyone would have sat down. Most of my Mayer watching was done on the big screen.

  3. Annette says:

    You should have been at the Gogol Bordello (gypsy punk is the only way to describe their ecclectic music) concert where it was general admission indoors at a small venue. Their music makes you want to dance, and we anticipated dancing a lot. It didn’t happen. The second they came on stage, the crowd surged forward and did not stop. After about the third song, when someone’s elbow was in my ear and my glasses were flying off my face to the right, and I could barely lift my hand to get my glasses because of being so tightly packed in, it was time to get out of the sardine can. The people would not budge to allow me to get out, I had to literally push people out of the way to just get to the side and then to the back of the place in search of refuge. There was a little space at the back. I hung out there and was able to enjoy the music – until some idiot decided to hurl a half full plastic glass of beer in the air which of course landed ever so gracefully on my head. My kid who had talked me into this concert because I had talked her into going to see Rush with me (at the Consol Center, in seats with a very well-behaved crowd, I must add) and I were emailing each other trying to find out where each of us were, and she found me before the show was over, hair dripping wet with beer, bruised and battered, but at least liking the music. It doesn’t end there. Then the crowd decided to move backward. So then we had to push people forward to save ourselves. Punk concerts were not like this in my day, and I used to slam dance. If I ever go to a concert like this again, I will be wearing chain mail and armor instead of leather and will carry a staff to maintain my personal space.

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