Top Ten Reasons Why Mattel Will Offer a Kardashian Barbie

1. They figured they could make a lot of money on clothing by using less fabric and charging the same amount
2. They got a deal on orange/tan plastic
3. The Kris and Bruce Jenner dolls were just too creepy
4. Mattel engineers finally perfected Barbie hip joint that spreads very very wide
5. Mattel wanted to enter skank market
6. They want to enter the high-tech market and each version will have Blue-tooth so they can communicate and argue with each other [Warning:  mature audiences only]
7. Another stab at high-tech market so the models will be Wifi enabled and can receive rants from Kris Jenner every fifteen minutes
8. Mattel sees this as a path into the lucrative adult doll market
9. Accessories  accessories  accessories…disolvable marriage licenses, stripper poles, mini video cameras, numerous husbands, etc
10. Sees Kardashian versions as “no brainer” since the plastic dolls will be so lifelike
11. Bonus:  engineers screwed up voice box and turned out too nasally…already invested in thousands…had to use them somewhere.

New from OurBro toys is the updated AND GREEN Easy Bake Oven.  The updated version features the same recipes that you have come to know and love (additional mix packages are available and sold separately), but the oven now comes with a compact fluorescent bulb (“CFL”) to bake your treat.  The CFL uses far less energy and is much better for the environment which will make your child an “Energy Star.”  It should be noted that since the CFL gives of so little energy a cake will take approximately 36 hours to bake and may actually spoil before it cooks.  The oven also includes a guide to cleaning up mercury spills in case you happen to break the CFL bulb.

Next for your Holiday list is an updated AND GREEN (not just the color) of the famous Glo Worm.  What child doesn’t want this cuddly comforting plush critter to help them sleep at night.  We’ve removed the batteries and the switch at the back and replaced it with a more environment-friendly hand crank charger.  When your child is afraid in the dark and wants the comfort of the glow worm’s LED harsh glow all they have to do is turn the crank a thousand times for five minutes of dim light.  The exertion will also help them sleep and prevent obesity which is a national crisis.

Not to be outdone by the other manufactures famous video game maker Nintendo is getting in to the GREEN market with a bang.  Nintendo now offers an optional solar attachment for their popular Nintendo DS hand-held gaming system.  The kit comes with a five feet by 8 feet state-of-the-art solar panel array, five ft. power cord, anchoring post, and installation instructions.  At only $15,000 this is a great way to teach your children to honor the environment.  The instructions also include a guide to government grants that may be available to defray the costs of the solar panel; why should you pay when there is FREE government money there for the taking.  Rumor is that a wind-generated power kit will soon be available which will come with the “Idiots Guide to Identifying Dead Birds and Bats.”

For those of you who are more adventurous and love backpacking and camping GreenPro products are now offering a pocket cooking tool.  The MagnaOven will soon become the essential tool for any camping trip.  A light one kilogram (2.2 pounds for those of you still using the antiquated English measurement system – America) it will surely be on of the first things you pack in your backpack.   In the picture a very happy customer is fixing a batch of delicious popcorn to share with his mates.  Yum.  The MagnaOven can also be used to read the small print that comes with the instructions.  If you act now, the manufacturer will include the patented MagnaOven cleaning cloth and recipe book for delicious meals.  The manufacturer does NOT recommend that the MagnaOven be used to start campfires as that would not be environment-friendly.

And for our final GREEN gift we searched long and hard for a gift for that child who likes to be active.  You are going to love the wind-powered flyer.  We have a large variety of kits to assemble your own Kid Initiated Terrestrial Escape toy (“K.I.T.E.”).  Don’t let your child be the last one on the block to get his or her KITE.  The KITE will provide your little one with minutes of fun before violently crashing to the ground splintering into many irreparable pieces.  If you act now you can buy additional KITE kits for a 50 percent discount (separate shipping and handling fee applies to each kit purchased).

Stumbling back to my car I started the drive and at about ten minutes into my commute I noticed something missing.  It was such a weird feeling not having it and I slowed down as I debated whether to turn around to retrieve it.  I started thinking about how I might need it, but knew turning around would make me late for work.  On my drive leaving ten minutes later can make the difference between a thirty minute drive and a fifty minute drive.  I hate getting stuck in traffic, but I knew that I’d miss my pacifier.  Hey I am a grown man who should be able to get along without it.  It couldn’t be much more than eight years ago when it came into my life.  Could I be that attached?

I started to mildly berate my self for forgetting it.  My mild OCD pushes me to routines so that I don’t forget things, but I was off kilter this morning.  I didn’t notice its absence as I had my camera in my coat pocket and was comforted by the weight not thinking that it was a little light.  If you hadn’t guessed already I am talking about my cell phone and when I left it was charging on my kitchen counter.  My Droid is inching up on its second birthday and doesn’t quite hold a charge as long.  I am nursing it until after the holidays and had been doing fine until my car charging cord stopped working.  It worked on the way to work one morning then gave up its ghost before the drive home putting me at a battery level disadvantage.  I was now tied to electrical outlets; I felt limited in my mobility.

I don’t welcome changes in my routine and this limit frustrates me, but I cannot see spending $20 on a new charger for a month; I am somewhat cheap too.  They say you don’t miss someone until they are gone and I found that true of my phone.  I didn’t consider myself addicted, but I was amazed at how many times I reached for it during the day.  What time is it?  I wonder if my son texted?  What is the outside temperature?  Any emails from my family?  Where should we turn next?  How much of a tip should I leave?  What’s the weather going to be like this weekend?  I can’t play Angry Birds at lunch!  Did Kim Kardashian Tweet something meaningful? (EXTREMELY DOUBTFUL)

I missed that weight in my pocket but survived…somehow.  I had some errands to run after work and had no way to get in touch with my family as we hoped to go out to dinner.  What on earth did we do before cell phones?  You’ll be glad to know that I survived the nakedness and heartened to know that I no sooner walked into our kitchen and heard the familiar “D-R-O-I-D” notification that I received an email or perhaps, just perhaps, it knew that Daddy was home. 

Oh my wife and kids were home too.

“I created much of the intellectual foundation for what they do.  I support what they do.”

The documents that came into my possession show the process or “intellectual foundation” for how the Occupy Wall Street movement decided what to occupy. 

Occupy Sesame Street

That didn’t work since Big Bird and Company are billionaires…

Occupy The Waltons

Alas no one under the age of fifty really remembers The Waltons (or uses the word “alas”)…

Occupy Wahlberg

Wait…he’d probably beat us up…

Occupy Wall Paper

Unfortunately no one was buying it…

Occupy Wall-e

He’s just too darn cute to occupy…

The NOT funny thing that they are not occupying:  The White House, over-priced universities (and they all are over priced), Congress, or labor unions (lots of money there). 

“I mean, there are a lot of things we can do.  The way I think about it is, you know, this is a great, great country that had gotten a little soft…”

B. Hussein Obama [September 29, 2011 interview]

There are more videos at JimKrennRaw.

I added the arrows to show the path to seizure

Of course the scenario that I laid out was a work of fiction.  I have no way of knowing what went on behind the scenes to create the logo for our new Department of Innovation.  I have no doubt that it cost many many thousands of dollars to create and took bloggers minutes to scoff at since the gears in their logo could never work.  Please tell me how so many Obama-acolytes described as the “best and brightest” missed the fact that their fancy logo would cause the gears to seize.  Could it be because they are all about form rather than substance?  Could it be because they have never done anything outside of academia?  Could it be that they live in the theoretical world and their experiences have not exposed them to reality?

Michele Malkin heralded the poor design in her blog and one of her commentors provided the expertise lacking from the band of boobs who designed the logo,

“I’ve been a gear designer for over 30 years, and just want to confirm how stupid that logo is. What they are showing are what I would call cogs, poorly designed and completely non functional cogs. If you tried to actually run them together, even two of them it would simply make a terrible clunking motion not suitable for any application. So whether they lock up or simply make a jerky clunking motion, it’s the perfect emblem for the governments department of innovation. Gear design principles have been around since the ancient Greeks. Leave it to a flashy new “innovation” program to point the way forward (or is it back?)”

That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say, “I’ve been a gear designer for over 30 years” and I am glad we have some normal folks out there who pick up on this stuff.  Is the crappy logo a big deal?  Certainly not, but it goes to the sloppy nature that has plagued the Obama Administration since its beginnings.  The only way to characterize their efforts is to see them as one would expect from a community organizing effort that is not used to having their output scrutinized.  The Department of Innovation hurriedly revised their logo in response to the criticism, but perhaps not enough,

“Moving just the one gear doesn’t help. No two components shaped like that would work together as the logo implies. Their logo is a mechanism which doesn’t do anything. Maybe that was intentional.”

Maybe the change is a metaphor for this administration…making a slight adjustment to make it look good on paper, not really doing anything efficiently or correctly like would be expected in the real world.

St. John's Wort on the left - Crown Vetch on the right

A few years ago my in-laws built a new cabin on Deep Creek Lake.  This would be the third cabin dating back to when the lake was first formed to generate hydro-power.  There is a small slope between their lower driveway and the lawn that leads to the lakefront.  It never really had any remarkable landscaping and was mostly weeds.  After construction I took the initiative to research, buy, and plant this area.  They have somewhat sandy soil that doesn’t get much sun.

I had a nice, low-growing, perennial at my house that thrives in this environment so I knew that St. John’s Wort (Hypericum calycinum) would do well.  If you have ever done any landscaping it can be rather expensive so I bought smaller plants and spread them on about half of the slope knowing that in about two years they would spread well and cover that part of the slope.  I had plans to work on the rest of the slope the following year.

My father-in-law is a man well known for his patience, more specifically his Impatience.  Not satisfied with the slow process of my landscaping he went to the local feed store and bought some Crown Vetch (Securigera varia) seeds and sowed them next to my plants.  The seeds are very expensive because it,

“is a tough, aggressive spreading plant that will crowd out its neighbors in a show garden…it will grow indefinitely with little maintenance. Its deep, tenacious roots and thick, fern-like leaves”

Essentially they can grow almost on rocks and unfortunately the “neighbor” was my St. John’s Wort.  The picture shows the epic battle between the two plants.  The crown vetch would have won years ago had I and others not spent time “weeding” the plant each spring as I did this past weekend (this is the before photograph).  It would make my job much easier to grab a little (or big) bottle of Round Up and kill the vetch, but it is not my property and I do enjoy yanking the devils out of the ground.  Okay I don’t enjoy weeding, but pulling vetch is fairly easy and can be cathartic.  As you look at the slope you can see that the St. John’s Wort, now that is has had a few years to grow, is more or less holding its own.

It was a fairly cool day and I got to thinking as I yanked and pulled about how landscaping can be like life…

• Quick fixes are expensive
• There’s always someone ready to pitch in with a quick fix
• Quick fixes that are less expensive can give you long-term results that you don’t want
• Fixing quick fixes can take a long time
• Fixing quick fixes can take a lot of work
• Persistence can pay off, but it takes persistence, but it can pay off, but it takes persistence

Perhaps it was fitting that the plant that I have been stressing to “save” is St. John’s Wort which is widely considered a natural cure for depression.  I cannot eat it though lest the evil vetch take over.

“to seek professional treatment to focus on becoming a better husband and healthier person. In light of that, he will request a short leave of absence from the House of Representatives so that he can get evaluated and map out a course of treatment to make himself well.”

Heck it worked for Patrick Kennedy and with Obama’s economy so bad it won’t take long for another story to spring up.  I’d actually feel sorry for Weiner if he didn’t come across as some arrogant elitist, but since that is what he is, let’s pile on…

My wife had to pull over on her way to work the other day as the radio station she was listening to had a thing going where they replaced one word in the name of a movie with “Weiner.”  She really couldn’t recall them later so we were sitting here brainstorming some ourselves.  I’d love to hear some from you too.

• Gone With the Weiner (Wind)
• You’ve Got Weiner (Mail)
• Something About Weiner (Mary)
• Along Came Weiner (Polly)
• The Lord of the Weiner Trilogy (Rings)
  • The Fellowship of the Weiner (Ring)
  • The Weiner Towers (Two)
  • The Return of the Weiner (King)
• A Weiner Runs Through It (River)
• Edward Weinerhands (Scissorhands)
• Silence of the Weiner (Lambs)
• The Kings Weiner (Speech)
• Scumbag Weinerman (Slumdog Millionaire)
• Finding Weiner (Nemo)
• Pulp Weiner (Fiction)
• Mad Max Beyond Weinerdome (Thunderdome)
• Legally Weiner (Blonde)
• American Weiner (Pie)
• Scary Weiner (Movie)
• Grumpy Old Weiner (Men)
• No Country for Old Weiners (Men)
• Willy Weiner and the Weiner Factory (you can figure this one out)
• Mighty Weiners (Ducks)
• Apocalypse Weiner (Now)
• Mr. Weiner Goes to Washington (Smith)
• When a Weiner Calls (Stranger)
• Weiner (Psycho)
• The Rodfather (Okay it’s not a “weiner” but I liked it)
• A Weiner Grows in Broklyn (Tree)
• Weiner on a Hot Tin Roof (Cat)
• Hunt for Red Weiner (October)
• Weiner on the Roof (Fidler)
• Funny Weiner (Girl)
• 2011 – A Weiner Odyssey (2001, Space)
• All About Weiner (Eve)
• Weiner Over the River Hudson (Bridge, Kwai)
• Raging Weiner (Bull)
• It’s a Wonderful Weiner (Life)
• Some Tweet it Hard (Like, Hot)
• Dr. Strangelove (Actually doesn’t need to be changed)
• My Fair Weiner (Lady)
• Weiners of Endearment (Terms)
• Weiner Without a Clue (Rebel, Cause)
• Wuthering Weiner (Heights)
• Tweets With Weiners (Dances, Wolves)
• Weiner on the Bounty (Mutiny)
• Weiner Doodle Randy (Yankee, Dandy)
• Rocky Horror Weiner (Show)
• Ordinary Weiner (People)
• Little Weiner of Horrors (Shop)
• Weiner Encounters of the Third Kind (Close)
• Tweeting Miss Weiner (Driving, Daisey)
• Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (No change needed)
• Weiner vs Weiner (Kramer, or the case name for the Weiner divorce)
• Swingin In the Rain (Singing)
• A Weiner Named Desire (Streetcar)

I look forward to your additions…and his resignation!